


It Only Hurts When I Breathe

by genovianprince



Series: Right Where I Belong [7]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Trans Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Character, Trans Male Lance (Voltron), hunk/lance but hunk isn't even listed as a character lmao bc he ded, mcd warning y'all bc this shit made me cry and I WROTE it, we all know hunk is going to be okay later but like.... lance doesn't so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 08:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genovianprince/pseuds/genovianprince
Summary: They’d discussed the possibility at length.Lance just never thought it wouldhappen.





	It Only Hurts When I Breathe

They’d discussed the possibility at length.   
  
Lance just never thought it would  _ happen. _   
  
*****   
  
Iverson brought in the families of the Kerberos crew for a meeting. This itself was unusual, Lance noted, heart hammering in his chest. It was probably just some… Some kind of something about Kerberos. Maybe they’d made first alien contact or something! Yeah! Something cool like that, instead of the fear that screamed from the back of his mind. God, Lance was going to be so jealous if Hunk got the Alien Tiddy before he did.   
  
Iverson’s deathly serious ( _ seriously, brain,  _ **_any_ ** _ other adjective would have been nicer, _ Lance thought to himself) face just made his heart slam faster, as if desperately trying to eject itself from Lance’s body before he had to hear the confirmation of the bad news.   
  
“As you all know,” Iverson began, not bothering with any pleasantries, “We have what we call the ‘three day rule’. After three days of no communication from a crew, no signals, we have to declare the mission lost.”   
  
Inhaling deeply and reflexively sorting some papers on his desk, he continued, “We decided to give the Kerberos crew a little extra time — after all, we’ve never gone that far out into space before. Maybe there was some interference.”   
  
He exhaled slowly. “After another day of no signs of life from them, we’ve decided it was time to declare the mission lost. Pilot error. It’s nothing against your son, Mrs. and Mrs. Brown. We thought we had properly prepared Commander Brown and the crew for the landing, and they took every precaution that we could reasonably have been expected to take. Unfortunately, unforeseen complications arose, and Commander Brown was likely caught up in something that he didn’t have the proper ability to handle. It’s a terrible tragedy and a horrible loss for humanity, but it is, sadly, one of the major risks of space travel. Commander Brown and the rest of the crew knew that when they took the assignment.   
  
“In a few days, we’ll be releasing an official statement. I’m sorry for all of your losses."

Lance inhaled sharply, the news clobbering him over the head like a baseball bat. Distantly, he heard the sobs of the others in the room, but he focused more on his inner turmoil than anyone else’s outward turmoil.    
  
_ Hunk was dead. _   
  
The words kept echoing around his mind and he swallowed, eyes brimming with tears. His fists clenched and unclenched as he sought a way to release his emotions without just  _ screaming.  _ He found it hard to draw breath, a tightness in his chest that had nothing to do with his binder, his head stuffed with cotton, body heavy with grief as he tried to shift around, to look at Hunk’s parents, to do  _ something _ besides sit there and stare at Iverson as if he’d just spoken Ancient Greek, but he couldn’t move, and his face felt wet, and suddenly he was aware of himself taking short, sharp breaths, exhaling harshly with tiny whimpering noises, and  _ oh god, _ he was crying right here in front of everyone, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it —   
  
Warm arms engulfed him. Choking on a breathy noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a sob, he looked up and saw Talia’s face. He threw himself into the hug with her, distantly aware of Hershel around the both of them.   
  
Iverson quietly slipped out of the office to give the families a little time alone.   
  
Lance hardly noticed, too busy being surrounded by people he considered family in their time of loss and grief. They held each other as the tsunami of emotion wrecked them all, clinging to each other like lifeboats. Everything hurt.   
  
Finally, after several long minutes, the tears slowed and they were able to gather themselves, disentangling to wipe at their faces. Talia pulled a small tissue pack from her purse and distributed them. After blowing his nose, Lance deposited his in the trash and looked around the room.   
  
The Browns had already left, leaving Colleen sitting alone, still looking shell-shocked. Lance furrowed his brow at her, opened his mouth to speak, but then Collen abruptly stood and marched off, and Lance was left floundering for a moment. He didn’t even know what he  _ would _ have said, but he couldn’t help but feel somewhat hurt and bewildered.   
  
He hoped she would be okay. Matt had a sister, he knew, so Colleen wasn’t totally alone. He twisted the ring on his finger, staring down at it. As he drew a deep breath, he suddenly became enraged.   
  
“He died thinking you two hated part of who he was. A large part,” he rasped, jerking to his feet and stepping back from the Garretts.   
  
“What—” Talia began, but Lance threw a hand up, glaring at her and hissing through his teeth.   
  
“He told me about how when he was younger he tried telling you he was genderfluid. Really, fa’afafine, by  _ your own culture, _ and yet you  _ brushed him off. _ Told him he was being silly and that Gramma was filling his head with silly ideas and  _ of course you’re just a boy, Hawea.” _ He glared fiercely, shaking with rage. “You sounded exactly like my own parents, except before I came out, they were trying to insist to me that I was a boy and not a girl, even though at the time, I felt like a girl and I wasn’t  _ ready _ to question my gender. But when Hunk trusted you, you  _ scorned _ him. And he never talked to you about it again. The difference is I talked to my parents again and they apologized and accepted me for who I am. But he hid himself from you,  _ so certain _ that you would just push him away again and make him more upset!”   
  
He growled in frustration, fists clenching again. “He died  _ afraid of you! _ ”   
  
His piece finished, he turned on his heel and marched out of the room, saluting briefly and limply at Iverson, grateful that Iverson didn’t try to call him back and demand a proper salute and attention before being released. He was too wound up to care about formalities or much of anything beyond the anger in his gut and the grief in his heart.   
  
*****   
  
Lance grunted as his fist collided with the punching bag. A part of him knew it was a bad idea to be doing this without a spotter, but he couldn’t help how stirred up he was. He exhaled sharply with each thud as he punched and punched and punched. Over and over again, until his body ached, and even then, he kept pushing through it.   
  
He wouldn’t stop until he hurt as much as Hunk must’ve when he died.   
  
His plan, however, was thwarted when someone grabbed the bag. Curling his lip, he looked around it to see Keith standing there with a raised brow.   
  
“You’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep going like this,” he said quietly. “I don’t know how long you’ve been here, but you look like shit and you need to take a break.”   
  
Lance scoffed. “Yeah, as if you have any say in what I do—”   
  
“And what would you say if you saw me, or Shiro, going at this thing the way you’ve been doing?” Keith interrupted snappishly.   
  
Lance stopped and sighed, drooping. “I’d do what you’re doing. Because I care.”   
  
“Yup. Go take a shower. I’ll wait for you, and then we can show up at dinner. Whether or not we talk about what happened to you today, that’s on you. But I’m…” He sighed. “I’m gonna try to be a good friend, because Shiro’s proud of us for actually behaving, or whatever, and he’s busy right now.”   
  
Lance tensed. “I don’t like using the locker room showers,” he said quickly, “But if you don’t mind chilling in my room while I take one in ‘my’ shower? Because now that you say that, I definitely feel gross and I wanna get cleaned up.”   
  
Keith nodded. “Not at all, man. Just… don’t take an hour because you have all your skin products and stuff in there.”   
  
Lance snorted. “I think I’m too tired for that,” he admitted. “....Thanks, Keith.”   
  
“It’s what friends are for, right?”   
  
Lance smiled. It was weak, but it was a smile.   
  
*****   
  
Getting dinner was more of a challenge than Lance had thought. Nobody else  _ knew _ yet. The official announcement would be tomorrow; telling the families always came a day or two before the whole world knew. Just to make sure that they didn’t find out on the news.   
  
Lance was eternally grateful Iverson had helped him file that paperwork that had allowed Iverson to involve Lance at all in that meeting, even if it hut, because having to see that on TV would have been much worse.   
  
Fake happy-ing his way through the line of people to get food, fake smiling, fake everything because he just couldn’t bring himself to address what had happened at all, even if he technically wasn’t allowed anyway.   
  
He smiled blandly at Shiro when he and Keith took their seats with him at their usual table. He could tell that Shiro could tell immediately that something was up, by the way Keith and Shiro traded worried glances. He picked at his food as his stomach growled at him to eat, taking small bites, but mostly pushing it around, unable to bring himself to eat at all.   
  
_ This isn’t like him, _ Shiro “said” to Keith using facial expressions.   
  
Keith nodded.  _ I know. It’s bad, whatever it is. _   
  
“As much fun as it is watching you guys blatantly talk about me as if I’m not here using your creepy mind reading powers, I wish you’d just talk to me,” Lance said suddenly.   
  
Shiro sighed, resting his hand on Lance’s shoulder and squeezing gently. “You’re right. I’m sorry. We’re just worried about you. What… what happened?”   
  
Lance swallowed heavily, pushing his plate away. “I’m not technically allowed to tell you,” he whispered, leaning in, “But… I don’t really have anyone else to talk to, so. I don’t think Iverson will get on my case if I tell you two.” He sucked in a harsh breath, shivering. “Um. Iverson told us today… That the Kerberos mission’s been declared lost. There’ll be an announcement tomorrow.”   
  
He stared down at his tray as his friends gave him twin looks of horror, trying to choke down more food. He knew not eating would just make things worse, but eating just  _ sucked _ right now.   
  
“Lance, I… I’m so sorry,” Shiro said, squeezing Lance’s shoulder again.    
  
Keith stayed quiet, but he toed at Lance’s ankle in a silent show of support as he continued to eat, though it was more mechanical now.   
  
Neither Shiro nor Keith had had much chance to get to know Hunk before he’d left on his mission, though to be fair, neither had really known Lance or Hunk outside a passing knowledge and a few interactions before the Kerberos mission. After Hunk was gone, Shiro had sort of taken Lance in under his wing with Keith and they’d been more or less forced to get along. They’d known Hunk only through Lance and spending the occasional call on the line with Lance. So, for the most part, they mourned for Lance’s loss more than their own.   
  
“We could take this food to your room, if you want,” Shiro offered softly, “I don’t mind not being in the cafeteria, if you wanna talk about this.”   
  
Lance sighed. “Yeah that… That’d be nice.” He packed up his lunch and left, Shiro and Keith following him out.   
  
Once in his room, the room he used to share with Hunk, he huddled on his bed, fighting back a fresh round of tears and sobs.    
  
“Iverson took us all into his office — the families of the crew, I mean? And he explained, like… They even gave the crew an extra day of the three-day-rule, y’know? And they got  _ nothing _ so the mission is  _ lost _ and Hunk is  _ gone _ —” Unable to hold back any longer, he dissolved into a sobbing mess. “And-and-and I yelled at Hunk’s parents for being awful to him about s-something and I’m just  _ such _ a mess right now, I can’t…” He hiccuped and grabbed blindly for his tissue box, blowing his nose and wiping at his eyes fruitlessly.    
  
Shiro sat next to Lance on the bed and rubbed his back gently. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. He knew from experience that platitudes were worthless at a time like this. Being there would be the most important thing.   
  
Lance cuddled into Shiro as he cried, buying his face in Shiro’s shoulder for a good minute  or two at least. He looked up at Keith, standing there awkwardly in the middle of the room, and gestured for him to join the hug.   
  
Keith made a surprised noise, but he hesitantly stepped forward and settled on the bed with them, curling his arm around Lance’s shoulders. This definitely wasn’t his forte at all. Still, Lance was, somehow, one of his friends, and if his presence helped… He wanted to do that.   
  
“I feel like I should’ve known,” Lance whispered at one point, when the sobs had slowed again, “He tried to be able to talk to me at least three times a week. And when four days went by, I wasn’t even  _ that worried.  _ I just figured it was, like, they’d found something and they couldn’t talk to anybody but officers for a little while, or something… And the whole t-time, he was  _ gone.” _   
  
“You couldn’t have known,” Keith pointed out gently.   
  
“S-Still, I...”   
  
“Lance. I know… It feels like there was something you should have known, something you could have done, but there wasn’t, Lance. You’re just one human being. There was no way for you to have known. It’s upsetting to feel so… helpless. I get it. But it’s the truth,” Shiro said as he rubbed Lance’s back. “There was nothing you could do.”   
  
“....I just wish I had  _ known, _ at least. I would’ve… I dunno, said ‘I love you’ more earnestly. I would’ve stayed on the call longer just to hear his voice, I would’ve…” He inhaled sharply and sobbed again. “I already missed him so much and now he’s totally gone and I can’t even call him anymore.”   
  
Shiro and Keith both said nothing, each of them just holding Lance providing a grounding for him as he tried to muddle through his grief. All of their food was cold, but they could always go microwave it. Right then, being there for their friend was more important.


End file.
